so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
