Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
