New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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