Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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