Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
