I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
