I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
