This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
