Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.