I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
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i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
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Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy