dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
this will be a night to untag.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.