Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.