Umm I'm too high to move.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
