hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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