i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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