You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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