I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
