he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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