Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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