so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Send help, water and tortillas.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
