Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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