Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
