and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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