You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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