'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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