cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
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My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
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Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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