I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I supernannyed him into submission
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
