im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
