pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
that's an acceptable place to lick
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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