I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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