I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
