ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
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I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
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Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?