You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case