I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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