Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
How external is "for external use only"?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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