i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
