Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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