so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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