my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
