I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You need Xanax blowdarts
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
