is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
