They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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