I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
We're too hungover to prance.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
