I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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