I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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