I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
