i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
