When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
