i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
