My sheets look like a crime scene.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
