screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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