I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
