I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
