Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
