It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
