all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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