I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
